Author: kimberlyn777

Suffering produces Endurance

I haven’t wrote as much as I would have liked to. Three trips a week that lasted all day with a 3 hour round trip has me quite exhausted. Today I am reflecting on my journey thus far. In my last post I had been itching for 3 weeks. Well, three weeks turned into 3 1/2 months of an unbearable, torturous and intolerable rash. It turns out – I am violently allergic to chemo. For 3 months I have been covered in a head to toe Beyond itchy rash/hives. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get a break from it, and was miserable. I told my doctor it would have felt better to jump in battery acid. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the torture. I repeatedly read Job and remembered his suffering and strength. I cried to the Lord for healing and begged him for mercy but it didn’t come in my time but in his time. I leaned on the Lord every minute of every day to get through. I grew closer to God and am thankful for the suffering as I learned to rely on him more. In suffering-I found great joy in the Lord and his presence. I am not 100% itch free but SO much better. Now I know that if God can carry me through 3 1/2 months of torture, he will carry me through anything. I can rejoice in my sufferings and thank God for his perfect wisdom and endless love!

Romans 5:3-5 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

The Lord Goes Before You

Chemo #2 was completed last Thursday. The nausea was relentless through Sunday yet I clung to God’s promise that he was with me and would never forsake me. Deuteronomy 31:8 ESV – It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” I remind myself that not only is God with me but he goes Before me. He is right there in my chemo seat waiting to hold my hand. He is waiting to hold me through the nauseous nights. I am never alone! What a glorious feeling that is. This promise sustained me through the sleepless nights. Then, Monday came. I started feeling a little better and reminded myself that “This too shall pass”. Last night I was finally able to rest for 4 hours and found myself eager to awake this morning. I had a glorious song in my heart – Stand in Your Love by Bethel Music & Josh Baldwin. I found a quiet corner so not to wake anyone and My soul was uplifted, I danced around a little, I praised, I sang – it was glorious. I then spent 3 wonderful hours in God’s word. I haven’t had the mental capacity to even read for more than 10 minutes since this all began. I am so thankful to the Lord for filling my body, mind, and spirit this morning. This, along with the love of my family will sustain me as I make the trek to the city for another appointment today. I am thankful to God for each step of this journey and more grateful to him for the most difficult times. For I know that he goes Before me and is with me. I also know that in each and every moment of my weakness – he is made stronger. 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 NIV – But he said to me, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest in me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

The Devil casts Fear and is a Liar

I know one of the hardest things during my moms Cancer Journey was losing her hair.  Many of the women I speak with share the same sentiment.  After all, the hair on top of our head has been ours and a part of us since birth.  It becomes part of our identity.  Then, when we are forced to lose it during treatment – well, the devil begins to sew his seeds of discourse.  He will tell you your not beautiful, your not wanted.  He plants seeds of Fear in our heart. He will fill our hearts with sorrow and empty our hearts of joy. John 8:44 I prayed to the Lord because I wanted my focus to be the Joy he has given me and His Love.  I want my Beauty not to be the hair on my head but the Beauty of Gods Love and Strength in my heart. I am not going to allow the Devil to take my Joy.  So today, I am shaving my head before Chemo takes it from me.  I will not believe the Devils lies!  Chemo starts Thursday – when you see me – know that I have a Mighty God that is carrying me and he is casting out all my Fears because my Faith in God is Greater than fear!  

Psalm 34:4ESV

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

2 Timothy 1:7ESV

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  – Psalm 139:14

The Greatest of These is Love

For me, the greatest gift on this Earth is the Love that we have built as a family. I am blessed with 2 beautiful children and a husband of towering strength and wisdom. I love the uniqueness that I find in each of them as we walk this Cancer Journey together. My husband who wants to be there for me every step of the way. In him, I find comfort and strength to know that he is by my side and supportive. My son, who is my optimist and rock of Gibraltar. His hugs help to refuel me for the day. My daughter, who just wants to be by my side – who doesn’t know how much it means to me that sometimes she just reaches out and touches my arm or holds my hand. I have such a special and very different bond with each of them and to me that is what the gift of life God has given us is about. I find that my faith has helped to shape this love. God loved me enough to send his son to die for me, an undeserving sinner. I couldn’t do anything to be worthy enough but the Lord gave this Love to me as a Gift. The Lord has shown me love, forgiveness, and tender mercy. I want to focus every moment that I have on this earth to show that same unfailing love to my Family, Friends and Strangers. When my mind wants to wander to the shadows, the bright beacon of this light and love brings my mind home, to strengthen me to fight another day. To my husband and my children, my capacity of love for you is limitless. May the love we share help to strengthen us all and guide us through the future.

1 Corinthians 13:7,13 -7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8Love never ends. 13So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Hurry & Wait

The biopsy came back Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The amazing staff at KU worked quickly to schedule appointments with my Cancer Care Team. My Oncologist and Surgeon have explained to me why it is important to receive Genetic test Results before choosing what surgery or treatment I will receive. So now, we wait 2-4 weeks to proceed.

There are so many times in our lives when the unknown can work like a thief in the night to steal your Joy. The devil delights in using this doubt to separate you from the Lord, our Great Comforter. I find myself in Perfect Peace as I embark on this journey. I know that when times of trouble are near, I can call out to the Great Comforter who will give me Peace like no other. I know that no matter what is to come, the Lord is with me.

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

What I learned from Mom

I will never forget the day. It is permanently etched into my memory. I sat at the feet of my 46 year old mom as she told my sister, my 5 month old son, my husband, and my father, that her Cancer had rapidly spread. The next words that she said to me changed my life forever. “You know how much I love you. I always thought that I would be here to see you all grow and to spoil my grandson. Yet, my father has called me home. What heaven has waiting for me is wonderful. As much as I love you all, I have something incredibly unimaginable waiting for me. I am at peace and I know that the Lord will be here soon to take me home.” In that moment, unbelievably, I found Perfect Peace. I knew that my mom had believed that if it was God’s will to heal her she would be. I had never met anyone with more faith in that. She prayed, she studied, she pleaded with her father – just as Jesus did. I knew that if anyone could “believe enough” to be healed from Cancer, it was her. In that moment, I realized that her Faith was complete. The Lord had given her Perfect Peace and she knew what wonders were to come. This was the greatest legacy that she could leave for her family. Her Strength, Her Peace, Her Faith. She passed away just days later. I was amazed at the peace that I had in it all. It was just 2 days before Thanksgiving. Family and Friends surrounded us and fed us that year. When Christmas came around, there were presents for all of us nestled under the tree. The gift tags, in my mom’s handwriting. I was not surprised at her forethought. When I opened mine, it was a Bible. My most treasured gift which has set me on my path. I had always believed in the Lord but did not have a personal relationship with him. When I opened the cover and dove in, True Life began for me and I have never looked back. Little did my mother know that 21 years ago, she was preparing me for the words that I would hear, “You Have Breast Cancer”. I am the same age that my mom was, when she was initially diagnosed. My mom’s gift of peace, understanding, and knowledge is leading me on my new Cancer Journey and I know that FAITH is Bigger than fear.